heart in swirlI had the weirdest dream. There was a store- we owned the store- we meaning my family, which was different from my actual family, I think I had a brother and it was with his wife, my daughter and my mom and dad- and we all ran the store together.  And at some point my Mom died.  And I remember feeling a profound sense of loss and sadness. I remember waking up and literally thinking-  “I feel a profound sense of loss and sadness and it is a terrible feeling.”  And then I thought, when my mom does die- I wonder if it is going to feel this terrible- because this sucks ass.  I thought about that for a few minutes.  I wanted to take my mother and her frail little body and hold her, cradle and comfort her and feel love- the kind of mother/daughter love that makes it’s way into movies. And that made me even more sad. Then I remembered that I do not have that relationship with my mother. And that made me sad for a whole other bunch of reasons!

In other unrelated news  I am going to Paris and London next week and I joined eHarmony. And I feel a little embarrassed about that, not the traveling part, the other part. I don’t even know when I officially broke up with the the last boyfriend. I did it so shittily.  Like really terrible. For the second time.  I do have a fairly not great history of ending relationships in a very lame way. (It is usually after things have been pretty lousy- and we’ve tried to work things out. It happens when I just get exhausted and there is an impasse- or  we’re not hearing each other.  Once I get to a certain point, something just clicks and I am done. I follow that up with a “it’s over” text or email.)

(Did you see there how I didn’t have anything to say about my vacay? That’s because I can’t even believe that it is happening and I won’t believe it until I am on an airplane and that airplane is in the air.)

I may not be made for this internet dating business. But it is good for the ego to know that you’re not garbage. It’s nice to dip the proverbial toe into the dating waters. It helps balance out the terrifying dreams.